Have you ever wondered, perhaps extensively, or tonge-in-cheek, why you were born? Why you were ever even conceived?
May I assure you that everyone at some point has let this question cross their mind. Including me. Two days ago I had one of the hardest nights I've had in a long while. I was miserable. Physically ill. Depressed. Hopeless. Uncaring as to whether I lived at that moment.
I felt like I wouldn't be able to climb out of the funk I'd sunken into.
There are many types of people and I fall under the category of the reserved, shy, analytical (to the extreme), intuitive type. Having an overly analytical mind can be one of your biggest enemies, yet, at the same time, one of your best friends...depending on the situation. It's a bitter/sweet thing, love/hate relationship.
Mostly my analytical thinking is my enemy.
The mind is the greatest, most harsh battlefield. And highly prolific. How many of you think of more than one thing at once? There tends to be a greater percentage of women who do this than men. Our minds are constantly at work. The mind and brain never completely rest. There are times when my mind feels like an internet browser with a thousand different windows going on simultaneously. It constantly darts to one thing after another, worry after worry, fear after fear, along with wondering what I'll eat for dinner, what assignments are due next for class, when I need to pay the next bill, etc.
Most people's minds generally have one primary focus with other small things branching off from it. And I struggle with fear and have since before I was an adolescent. I'm a perfectionist and that definitely doesn't help with my fears and worries. Especially in relationships.
My worry has become nearly too much to bear. I take all relationships seriously, and am loyal to my friends. Recently my worry has clawed at my insecurities and has exasperated a good friend and I fear I've lost the close relationship we had. Due to my past, I'm insecure in my friendships because I worry too much about messing things up or for some reason causing them not to like me.
All throughout my years of school, I was an outcast. Never had more than two close friends, one being like another sister to me. And even she walked out without an explanation, leaving me to wonder what on earth I did wrong. Over a period of years, I would start losing friends that way and I assumed I must have been doing something wrong because they'd offer no reason why. They'd stop talking to me or asking me to hang out. And this slowly started eating away at my mind, shredding my ability to trust and want to make more friends only to have them walk out. Over time, I developed an inability to trust and believe anyone who befriended me truly cared and loved me as I had loved my past friends.
This OCD-like fear is about to cost me a best friend and someone I see as a second mom. Two nights ago, I was at my breaking point, tired of being paranoid I'd done something wrong in the relationship. So I called my pastor's daughter and we talked a while. By the end of the conversation, I felt much better. I was so tired emotionally and spiritually.
I was tempted to get angry with God for allowing the miserable feelings to fester and stay within when I so desperatley wanted them to leave. But instead I got mad at satan and put my foot down, declaring that I'm much stronger than this. I declared that I don't have to feel sad or afraid constantly about messing up a friendship. I don't have to think everyone is out to hurt me and that everything they say is a lie. I don't have to be perfect. And I knew God made me strong even in my weakness.
Still, I feel like I'm being pulled this way and that, on the verge of being ripped in half--Good pulling me to the right, and evil to the left. My temptations have never been so strong in all my life. I've tried things I never in all my 23 years of life would thought I'd even consider. I can feel destruction waiting to spring. And I can feel blessings awaiting if I turn down the things I know are wrong.
I've carried so many burdens since I was a young child and I'm so tired. I'm ready to give them up so I can smile genuinely on the outside. Don't get me wrong, I love God, my life, my family, but worry and fear consume my mind to the point of hopelessness.
And I'm learning to do as 2 Corinthians 10:5 says, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to the obedience of Christ."
So, anything that I know goes against God--what He says is wrong in His Word, what goes against what He says about us (Psalm 139:14, Jeremiah 29:11-13, Romans 8:28, Matthew 6:33, Zephaniah 3:17, & more), placing others's opinions of us over God's & making it the center of our focus, MUST be taken captive and turned around to the TRUTH of God.
In doing that, every insecurity, fear, worry, doubt, anger, bitterness, hate, etc, will dissipate over time. It's not an instantaneous thing, but a process in which we have to purposely turn our minds to Christ whenever any false thought comes to mind. Could God make it an instantaneous thing? Yes, but He does want us to learn to trust Him and come to Him with anything and everything that hurts, tortures, and bothers us.
So, who are you? You don't have to know yourself, just Who knows you and what He thinks of you. That's all that matters. In doing that, you'll eventually find yourself and the confusion will melt away. It's not an easy journey, but it's one that you don't have to walk alone.
When you feel alone, don't go off by yourself because it makes things worse. Trust me. I've done it numerous times and it's nothing but an opportunity for satan to get his disgusting foot in the door of placing wicked things in your mind. It's a prime opportunity for him to beat you over the head with things from the past, and current worries and fears.
When you feel down, talk to God or grab someone who's close to you and talk to them. It's so much better than holding it inside because I've done that numerous times and it's a MISERABLE feeling.
If you don't feel you have anyone, please contact me by my email. I would love to talk with you. I'm an excellent listener and I know how to keep a secret. I want you to escape the miserable feelings I've felt and the ones I haven't felt but that you may feel. I may not know you from Adam, but I care.
I listened to a song that I needed to hear yesterday called Remind Me Who I Am by Jason Gray. This song is so beautiful and accurate to Scripture. I will provide the youtube address if you'd like to watch the video and hear the song in it's entirety. Here are some of the lyrics:
"When I lose my way and I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the loniest places,
When I can't remember what Grace is:
Tell me, once again who I am to You, who I am to You.
Tell me, lest I forget who I am to You, that I belong to You."
http://youtu.be/QSIVjjY8Ou8
And one last thing I feel I should mention. Spiritual warfare. It's real. We can't see it, but it's absolutely real. When your mind won't leave you alone, constantly bringing crap back up from your past, etc, that's satan messing with your head. And when you feel comforted, that's God hugging you and giving you relief. Together, those two things are called spiritual warfare, two separate armies of entities that war against each other and we're caught in the middle.
This next youtube video is one of my favorite skits performed. It has been performed in many churches and even in some public places where it tugged on many hearts and lead them to giving their lives over to Christ. The skit was done at my church and the bikers who attend there cried.
Enjoy this video of the prime example of spiritual warfare in a person's life.
http://youtu.be/U3WBvbLDMmI
I hope this post has encouraged you today. Have a blessed rest of the week!
~Brooke-Lauren Montgomery
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