Save Me From Myself

Hey guys! 

So about a couple of weeks ago I was really going through a tough time. I felt a sense of emptiness accompanied with extreme loneliness. As I sat in my room, I felt like I should write a song, so I did. 
I poured my heart out on the page in hopes of not only my words being therapeutic for me but also for others who were/are in the same boat. 

Loneliness, sadness, anger, etc, are things everyone has felt before. It's just some may feel these feelings more often that others. Regardless of how long you feel this way, I want you to know you're not alone. 

I just created the lyric video to the A Capella version of my song, Save Me From Myself. I downloaded CakeWalk's Music Creator 7 in hopes to create music with my vocals but that software is so stinkin' difficult to figure out despite their tagline of, "No musical experience? No problem!" then goes on to say how easy of a program it is to use. And I've had 18+ years musical experience! Even the tutorial videos don't do a lot of good. There aren't many tutorials out there for this program yet.

Along with this, my PC basically fell apart. Wouldn't connect to the internet without a direct connection via cable to router. So I ordered a 2009 Macbook on ebay and I just got it today. I used iMovie to make my lyric video but haven't gotten the chance to check out GarageBand. From what I've seen through YouTube tutorials, it looks pretty simple and straight forward along with delivering the tools Music Creator 7 offers. 

But anywho, I plan to play around with GarageBand this weekend and get some music set up with my vocals. If I ever get it "perfected" I plan to make a music video to my song. I'm really looking forward to this! 

To hear Save Me From Myself, click the link below:

https://youtu.be/EgKkLO6YdiE

I hope you enjoy. If you're a YouTuber, subscribe if ya'd like or leave feedback! I'd love to hear from you! 

Blessings,

Brooke-Lauren

How To Conquer Your Anger

Hey guys, today I felt like I needed to make a post about ANGER. 

Some believe anger is wrong and others think anger isn't a big deal. I'm writing to tell you there's a happy medium. Recently, I've struggled with anger. For a while, it had died down when I grew closer to God back in April 2015.
Anger is something I've struggled with ever since I was a pre-adolescent and it's been anything but pretty. 

Have you ever been there? Where one thing turns into two things then two things turn into three, and so on and so on, until you feel you can't take anymore? You're not alone. 

I've had many things build and build until, finally, I'd just explode. I figured exploding would help me feel better but it only did quite the opposite. It put me in an even worse mood because I'd start to feel like I deserved to get angry at what this person did, or why my car wouldn't start when all I wanted was to get out of the house for a couple of hours. Everyone does have the right to get angry, but I was letting it control me. 

Let me tell you a story that just recently happened. I feel confident that many of you have dealt with the same kind of thing, perhaps different circumstances.  

For the past few weeks I've been struggling with feeling bored and alone, something I've majorly struggled with since I moved out of my parent's house in December 2014. Loneliness and boredom gives us, human beings, the potential to do stupid things. Ever heard of the saying, "Idol hands are the devil's workshop"? 
I've come to find this saying is true. 

Back in April of 2015, I found my true source of comfort and happiness--God. And I'd not been at such peace in years. But somewhere along the way, the loneliness and boredom began to haunt me again and, instead of running back to God, I drifted. 

A couple of weeks ago, I had a deep, personal conversation with someone I used to date. In my mind, I hoped that all the improvements God had made through me would show through and that my ex would be interested in me again. I was wrong. 

I'm 24 years old and I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone. When I look around and I see people younger, older, and my age with someone, it dampens my mood. Not because I'm not happy for them. I'm ecstatic for them--but not for me. Each day seems to go by faster and faster with no potential man on the horizon to spend the rest of my life with. 

It seems like everyone around me is either getting married or having a baby and I'm doing neither. These two things are something I've wanted since I can even remember. It's like it was just born in me to fulfill that destiny. But here I am at 24 with no boyfriend or anyone I feel right about dating. 

As I finally came to that hard realization that my ex and I would never get back together, something else happened that really upset me. After the talk with my ex, I suddenly didn't want to attend that church anymore. I felt like it would be awkward so I decided I wanted to discontinue going there for a good while until my heart and emotions had time to heal. I sent a text to the wife of the pastor, explaining that the next Sunday would be my last in the nursery. I told her I wouldn't be back for a while due to personal reasons and that it wasn't anything they did. 

I waited... and I waited as the days rolled by. I never got a response back. No, "Thank you for your help," "We'll miss you", "Goodbye", "Good riddance"--nothing. 

That Sunday I decided not to go to church because now it would really be awkward. 

And here it is Monday, over a week later, that I've still not heard a word from she or the pastor. I was appalled. They aren't acquaintances to me; I know these people. 

While I'm still beyond frustrated at that situation, the cherry atop the cake was getting as sick as a dog that same afternoon after being in the searing heat, trying to get my car started. For whatever reason, my car would not start and I just needed to get out of the house for a couple hours. I hadn't eaten or drank anything and it was coming up 4:30 in the afternoon. 

My emotions are running rampant at this point. I'm digging in the glove box and looking through the owner's manual, reading about "what to do if". Most of those terms, I have no clue what they meant so it made it even more annoying and frustrating. I tried everything I could that the manual said to do and nothing was working. 

I asked the nice old guy across the street, who stood on a ladder picking pears, if he would mind jump starting my car. He said he absolutely would. By the time he went to get the battery charger and came back, I'd begun to feel an overbearing sense of nausea. Every few seconds I felt like I should sit before I fainted. I apologized for being rude and said I'd have to go lay down because I got overheated. He was too kind and told me it wasn't a problem at all. 

The longer I laid in bed the more nauseous I began to feel. I laid spread eagle with the fan as high as it would go and a dampened towel on my forehead but the nausea kept climbing. Now, I'm just miserable, on top of being hungry and thirsty, my car not starting and not having heard back from the pastor or his wife AND feeling lonely and bored. 
Then when I reached to grab the charger for my phone that only had 10 % battery left, I couldn't find it. I searched everywhere and still couldn't find that stupid charger. The inconveniences seemed to keep piling up.

Thank God for my sweet dad who got me something to eat and drink and bought me another charger. "The pits" would have been much worse without him. 

I ended up vomiting several times as a headache formed from tension. It wasn't until ten pm or so that I could finally eat the other half of burger I didn't throw up. I drank water in gulps and finally slept on and off throughout the rest of the night, only to get up at the buttcrack of dawn to see if I could jump start my car. (I'd only tried to recharge the battery.) 

My car still wouldn't start. So Dad took me to get another key FAB battery. I figured that was it since it had notified me it was getting low a while back. So we bought the battery then drove back to the house and tried it but it still didn't work. By now, my irritation is kindling into a blaze of rage. 

Dad decided to pull the car battery and take it to work to see if they could find anything wrong with it. 
Then we went to get some breakfast at Whataburger where he flat out tells the person at the window, "May I please have four sweet-n-low's and picante sauce? (I'd ordered a bacon, cheese, and egg tequito, and absolutely always had to have picante with it.)

We get to work and I pull out my tequito then rummage around the bottom of the sack for the picante where my fingers swipe thin air and the walls of the bag. It WASN'T in there. I just couldn't believe it. Now, I'd reached the point of livid. 

The news of my battery came back a couple hours later and they said it was getting worn out. So at lunch, Dad and I go to Autozone and I buy a new car battery. I'm thinking the worst. I'm thinking it's probably not going to work and I paid 126.00 for nothing, it's probably the engine that'll drain me thousands of dollars. 
My dad put in the new battery and I got in the car to start it...and it wouldn't start. And now, of course, I lost it. I was beside myself. 

I got back in my Dad's truck before I made myself look like a fool in front of the entire neighborhood. My last and only resort would be to call KIA and, as I looked up their  number on my phone, I see my dad stand from the driver's seat and hold out the keys. 

I opened the truck door and I heard another engine running. I said, "Is it running?"

"Yeah," he answered.

I looked at him, dumbfounded. "How did you do that?" 

He shrugged. "I said a prayer."

A knot rose in my throat. "You said a prayer and it just started?" 

He nodded then gave me a hug. "Don't give up on God, Brooke." Even he got choked up. 

Now I was a bawling mess. Those words hit me hard-- Don't give up on God, Brooke.

That morning at break, before we picked up the new car battery, I'd prayed. I told God that I felt lost and that I felt lonely every day. I apologized for letting things get between me and Him and I repented for letting anger control me. I thanked Him for all He'd given me and I began meditating on everything I do have. I looked at the sky and I asked God to show me that He still cared about me. 

And He answered at lunch through my dad. 

I felt so much lighter. I realized that what I need to do when the rain pours is talk to God. Instead of letting each unnerving thing work me up more and more, just talk to God. Tell Him my feelings and ask Him to help me calm down. In the long run, things will work out (Romans 8:28) for those who love Him. 

A total of ten things plagued my emotions and mind this weekend and I let it. I let it keep festering and festering instead of going to God each time and talking with Him about it. 

So, what is Anger? According to the Web, "Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure, resentment and hostility that often arises in response to a perceived wrong doing." 

See the word, "feeling" in there? Everyone has them, and anger is a natural one. Anger isn't wrong. It's a normal emotion everyone should be allowed to feel. It's no more wrong than someone who feels happy, sad, or nervous. It's an existing feeling. 

It's what you do with your anger that determines whether it's right or wrong. Killing people when you're angry, that's wrong. So is screaming insults at someone during an argument, keying some butthead's car because they parked in two and a half spaces, and so is letting anger control you. These things are destructive and when you've reached that point, it's wrong.

Scream as loud as you can, pound your fists on the bed, write out your feelings, but more importantly, talk to God. I guarantee He'll satisfy more than throwing a tantrum, times infinity. 

I understand, people, what it's like to see red and want to drop-kick the first thing you lay eyes on. I get it. 

After talking with God today, I felt His presence and watched Him answer me. My heart softened and I decided I would visit churches starting next Sunday. I realized for the umpteenth time, people are people and, even though I know that, I can't help but wonder if I'm the only person who was raised half-decently. Some of the most common, "P's and Q's" aren't even used anymore and any time I hear someone use them, I about break my neck looking. 

I'd begun to let my old ways of thinking and feeling take me over again. That same overwhelming feeling that everyone's the same--out to hurt me. That's the foundation of the anger and if I don't keep it in check, it attempts to consume me. 

Life is miserable living in anger and bitterness. Don't let it eat you away. Next time you feel spit-blood angry, talk to God. Tell Him how you feel. Share with Him things you don't understand. Talk to Him as if He sits right in front of you. He'll answer. Guaranteed. <3