Save Me From Myself

Hey guys! 

So about a couple of weeks ago I was really going through a tough time. I felt a sense of emptiness accompanied with extreme loneliness. As I sat in my room, I felt like I should write a song, so I did. 
I poured my heart out on the page in hopes of not only my words being therapeutic for me but also for others who were/are in the same boat. 

Loneliness, sadness, anger, etc, are things everyone has felt before. It's just some may feel these feelings more often that others. Regardless of how long you feel this way, I want you to know you're not alone. 

I just created the lyric video to the A Capella version of my song, Save Me From Myself. I downloaded CakeWalk's Music Creator 7 in hopes to create music with my vocals but that software is so stinkin' difficult to figure out despite their tagline of, "No musical experience? No problem!" then goes on to say how easy of a program it is to use. And I've had 18+ years musical experience! Even the tutorial videos don't do a lot of good. There aren't many tutorials out there for this program yet.

Along with this, my PC basically fell apart. Wouldn't connect to the internet without a direct connection via cable to router. So I ordered a 2009 Macbook on ebay and I just got it today. I used iMovie to make my lyric video but haven't gotten the chance to check out GarageBand. From what I've seen through YouTube tutorials, it looks pretty simple and straight forward along with delivering the tools Music Creator 7 offers. 

But anywho, I plan to play around with GarageBand this weekend and get some music set up with my vocals. If I ever get it "perfected" I plan to make a music video to my song. I'm really looking forward to this! 

To hear Save Me From Myself, click the link below:

https://youtu.be/EgKkLO6YdiE

I hope you enjoy. If you're a YouTuber, subscribe if ya'd like or leave feedback! I'd love to hear from you! 

Blessings,

Brooke-Lauren

How To Conquer Your Anger

Hey guys, today I felt like I needed to make a post about ANGER. 

Some believe anger is wrong and others think anger isn't a big deal. I'm writing to tell you there's a happy medium. Recently, I've struggled with anger. For a while, it had died down when I grew closer to God back in April 2015.
Anger is something I've struggled with ever since I was a pre-adolescent and it's been anything but pretty. 

Have you ever been there? Where one thing turns into two things then two things turn into three, and so on and so on, until you feel you can't take anymore? You're not alone. 

I've had many things build and build until, finally, I'd just explode. I figured exploding would help me feel better but it only did quite the opposite. It put me in an even worse mood because I'd start to feel like I deserved to get angry at what this person did, or why my car wouldn't start when all I wanted was to get out of the house for a couple of hours. Everyone does have the right to get angry, but I was letting it control me. 

Let me tell you a story that just recently happened. I feel confident that many of you have dealt with the same kind of thing, perhaps different circumstances.  

For the past few weeks I've been struggling with feeling bored and alone, something I've majorly struggled with since I moved out of my parent's house in December 2014. Loneliness and boredom gives us, human beings, the potential to do stupid things. Ever heard of the saying, "Idol hands are the devil's workshop"? 
I've come to find this saying is true. 

Back in April of 2015, I found my true source of comfort and happiness--God. And I'd not been at such peace in years. But somewhere along the way, the loneliness and boredom began to haunt me again and, instead of running back to God, I drifted. 

A couple of weeks ago, I had a deep, personal conversation with someone I used to date. In my mind, I hoped that all the improvements God had made through me would show through and that my ex would be interested in me again. I was wrong. 

I'm 24 years old and I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone. When I look around and I see people younger, older, and my age with someone, it dampens my mood. Not because I'm not happy for them. I'm ecstatic for them--but not for me. Each day seems to go by faster and faster with no potential man on the horizon to spend the rest of my life with. 

It seems like everyone around me is either getting married or having a baby and I'm doing neither. These two things are something I've wanted since I can even remember. It's like it was just born in me to fulfill that destiny. But here I am at 24 with no boyfriend or anyone I feel right about dating. 

As I finally came to that hard realization that my ex and I would never get back together, something else happened that really upset me. After the talk with my ex, I suddenly didn't want to attend that church anymore. I felt like it would be awkward so I decided I wanted to discontinue going there for a good while until my heart and emotions had time to heal. I sent a text to the wife of the pastor, explaining that the next Sunday would be my last in the nursery. I told her I wouldn't be back for a while due to personal reasons and that it wasn't anything they did. 

I waited... and I waited as the days rolled by. I never got a response back. No, "Thank you for your help," "We'll miss you", "Goodbye", "Good riddance"--nothing. 

That Sunday I decided not to go to church because now it would really be awkward. 

And here it is Monday, over a week later, that I've still not heard a word from she or the pastor. I was appalled. They aren't acquaintances to me; I know these people. 

While I'm still beyond frustrated at that situation, the cherry atop the cake was getting as sick as a dog that same afternoon after being in the searing heat, trying to get my car started. For whatever reason, my car would not start and I just needed to get out of the house for a couple hours. I hadn't eaten or drank anything and it was coming up 4:30 in the afternoon. 

My emotions are running rampant at this point. I'm digging in the glove box and looking through the owner's manual, reading about "what to do if". Most of those terms, I have no clue what they meant so it made it even more annoying and frustrating. I tried everything I could that the manual said to do and nothing was working. 

I asked the nice old guy across the street, who stood on a ladder picking pears, if he would mind jump starting my car. He said he absolutely would. By the time he went to get the battery charger and came back, I'd begun to feel an overbearing sense of nausea. Every few seconds I felt like I should sit before I fainted. I apologized for being rude and said I'd have to go lay down because I got overheated. He was too kind and told me it wasn't a problem at all. 

The longer I laid in bed the more nauseous I began to feel. I laid spread eagle with the fan as high as it would go and a dampened towel on my forehead but the nausea kept climbing. Now, I'm just miserable, on top of being hungry and thirsty, my car not starting and not having heard back from the pastor or his wife AND feeling lonely and bored. 
Then when I reached to grab the charger for my phone that only had 10 % battery left, I couldn't find it. I searched everywhere and still couldn't find that stupid charger. The inconveniences seemed to keep piling up.

Thank God for my sweet dad who got me something to eat and drink and bought me another charger. "The pits" would have been much worse without him. 

I ended up vomiting several times as a headache formed from tension. It wasn't until ten pm or so that I could finally eat the other half of burger I didn't throw up. I drank water in gulps and finally slept on and off throughout the rest of the night, only to get up at the buttcrack of dawn to see if I could jump start my car. (I'd only tried to recharge the battery.) 

My car still wouldn't start. So Dad took me to get another key FAB battery. I figured that was it since it had notified me it was getting low a while back. So we bought the battery then drove back to the house and tried it but it still didn't work. By now, my irritation is kindling into a blaze of rage. 

Dad decided to pull the car battery and take it to work to see if they could find anything wrong with it. 
Then we went to get some breakfast at Whataburger where he flat out tells the person at the window, "May I please have four sweet-n-low's and picante sauce? (I'd ordered a bacon, cheese, and egg tequito, and absolutely always had to have picante with it.)

We get to work and I pull out my tequito then rummage around the bottom of the sack for the picante where my fingers swipe thin air and the walls of the bag. It WASN'T in there. I just couldn't believe it. Now, I'd reached the point of livid. 

The news of my battery came back a couple hours later and they said it was getting worn out. So at lunch, Dad and I go to Autozone and I buy a new car battery. I'm thinking the worst. I'm thinking it's probably not going to work and I paid 126.00 for nothing, it's probably the engine that'll drain me thousands of dollars. 
My dad put in the new battery and I got in the car to start it...and it wouldn't start. And now, of course, I lost it. I was beside myself. 

I got back in my Dad's truck before I made myself look like a fool in front of the entire neighborhood. My last and only resort would be to call KIA and, as I looked up their  number on my phone, I see my dad stand from the driver's seat and hold out the keys. 

I opened the truck door and I heard another engine running. I said, "Is it running?"

"Yeah," he answered.

I looked at him, dumbfounded. "How did you do that?" 

He shrugged. "I said a prayer."

A knot rose in my throat. "You said a prayer and it just started?" 

He nodded then gave me a hug. "Don't give up on God, Brooke." Even he got choked up. 

Now I was a bawling mess. Those words hit me hard-- Don't give up on God, Brooke.

That morning at break, before we picked up the new car battery, I'd prayed. I told God that I felt lost and that I felt lonely every day. I apologized for letting things get between me and Him and I repented for letting anger control me. I thanked Him for all He'd given me and I began meditating on everything I do have. I looked at the sky and I asked God to show me that He still cared about me. 

And He answered at lunch through my dad. 

I felt so much lighter. I realized that what I need to do when the rain pours is talk to God. Instead of letting each unnerving thing work me up more and more, just talk to God. Tell Him my feelings and ask Him to help me calm down. In the long run, things will work out (Romans 8:28) for those who love Him. 

A total of ten things plagued my emotions and mind this weekend and I let it. I let it keep festering and festering instead of going to God each time and talking with Him about it. 

So, what is Anger? According to the Web, "Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure, resentment and hostility that often arises in response to a perceived wrong doing." 

See the word, "feeling" in there? Everyone has them, and anger is a natural one. Anger isn't wrong. It's a normal emotion everyone should be allowed to feel. It's no more wrong than someone who feels happy, sad, or nervous. It's an existing feeling. 

It's what you do with your anger that determines whether it's right or wrong. Killing people when you're angry, that's wrong. So is screaming insults at someone during an argument, keying some butthead's car because they parked in two and a half spaces, and so is letting anger control you. These things are destructive and when you've reached that point, it's wrong.

Scream as loud as you can, pound your fists on the bed, write out your feelings, but more importantly, talk to God. I guarantee He'll satisfy more than throwing a tantrum, times infinity. 

I understand, people, what it's like to see red and want to drop-kick the first thing you lay eyes on. I get it. 

After talking with God today, I felt His presence and watched Him answer me. My heart softened and I decided I would visit churches starting next Sunday. I realized for the umpteenth time, people are people and, even though I know that, I can't help but wonder if I'm the only person who was raised half-decently. Some of the most common, "P's and Q's" aren't even used anymore and any time I hear someone use them, I about break my neck looking. 

I'd begun to let my old ways of thinking and feeling take me over again. That same overwhelming feeling that everyone's the same--out to hurt me. That's the foundation of the anger and if I don't keep it in check, it attempts to consume me. 

Life is miserable living in anger and bitterness. Don't let it eat you away. Next time you feel spit-blood angry, talk to God. Tell Him how you feel. Share with Him things you don't understand. Talk to Him as if He sits right in front of you. He'll answer. Guaranteed. <3
   


    

SECOND Manuscript FINISHED!

Ladies and Gents,

I''m proud and ecstatic to announce my second novel in the works is completed! I wrote the last sentence on July 2, 2015, two days from the day I finished writing The Protected: The Unseen Realm three years ago! 

I'm now in the process of selecting a few friends to proof read it and give feedback, suggestions, and any obvious errors I've not caught. I want this book to hook readers, which is why I allow others to proof read because they have a different pair of eyes. So far, I've only been able to make the manuscript even more believable and realistic, thanks to, first God and then those who've taken the time to read my work before I search out a publisher/agent. 

The editing process could take up to a month or more because I reread my work more than once, making sure I didn't leave something important out and also tightening up any sentences that seem too long or "rambly". 

I so look forward to the publication of this book. 

Again, if you like good verses evil, psychological thrillers, creepy, graphic novels tied with romance, I'm confident you'll enjoy this one. 

Please help spread the word about The Protected: The Unseen Realm and my second upcoming horror/suspense/romance novel. 

I will make updates with any further progress. 

Thanks for reading and keeping up with my posts! Have a blessed day!!

~Brooke-Lauren  

ALMOST DONE!!!!

Hello friends, 
I'm finally almost finished with my second manuscript! I lack two chapters from completion before I start searching for an agent. 

I'm really excited to share this new book with everyone should God will a second book of mine get published. 

My first novel, The Protected: The Unseen Realm, is in the Christian market. The second one I'm working on will not be due to graphic material, light profanity, and a couple of love scenes. The love scenes are not Fifty Shades of Gray style, but it's enough the Christian market wouldn't allow. 

Both of my books deal with angels and demons with good always prevailing. While The Protected was told from the angel's point of view, my second novel is from a demon's and the main character's point of view who's been tormented by her childhood demon. 

I'm SO excited to nearly be finished with this next book!!! Thanks for keeping up with my posts! 

Hope everyone has a wonderful day! 

~Brooke-Lauren 

   

Cry Out To Jesus!

Hello my friends! I'm writing today to encourage you through the storms of life. Everyone at some point or other has been through the metaphorical storm, where life seems to literally turn upside down, leaving you hopeless, alone, afraid, angry, whatever it may be. 

I was just down that road, "just" as in two weeks ago until God finally got a hold of me and caught my attention. Backing up in time, I dated one of the most wonderful, Godly, on fire, Christian young men in December of 2012. This relationship lasted for a year and two months. We'd even had promise rings for each other but my fears and insecurities prevented me from letting my guard completely down. I would get so angry at myself for being afraid to relax in the relationship that I would take it out on him when it wasn't even his fault. Frustrated, I asked if we could talk and we ended up mutually breaking off the relationship. 

I hated myself for what it had come to, how I'd let fear win, but fear was so prevalent in my life that it ate me alive and I wasn't happy at all. I didn't feel it was fair for him to be with someone who couldn't give all their heart to him so I let him go, hoping that perhaps someday God would work it out to a happier and more stable relationship in the future if He willed. Or that if the two of us weren't meant to be together in the future, that God would send the right mates to both of us in His perfect timing.  

During the time of the break up, my plan was to get stronger in The Lord and get the fear defeated. But satan knew how to mess with my emotions, wreaking havoc on me mentally. And this is what Ephesians 6:10-20 speaks of--spiritual warfare, the unseen, what we should we warring against instead of humans. 

God has known that since I was a tiny child I've wanted to have a family of my own. I played "house" all the time during free-time in elementary school and at recess, and at home in my room. I treasured all my collections of dolls and had a name for every one of them. That instinct to be a wife and a mother was born in me and has been one of my biggest and deepest desires. 

However, instead of getting closer to God as I'd planned, satan jumped at the opportunity to take advantage of my mental & emotional vulnerability. Sadly to say, he won for nearly an entire year. Even when I'd met and dated this wonderful guy, I wasn't as close to God as I used to be and had actually begun to embrace alcohol as a means to cope with different stresses and anxieties I went through. That was how satan first got his foot in the door--alcohol once I'd turned 21. 

Throughout my years on earth, I've had many people I thought I could trust and that I loved really hurt me--bad. I thought they'd loved me, too, but when they did what they did, I knew it wasn't true. (And if it ever was true, they had a funny way of showing it.) Satan used this, while my sights were on alcohol, as a means to nurture my bitterness and anger toward all these people. Looking back on it now, I'm shocked that I could have held so much rage at so many people. I'd begun to link everyone together as the same. One example-- At the time I was at my lowest, (during the period I was with the married man, confused and conflicted) I reached out to two of my elementary teachers I'd remained in contact with and often talked to over the years. One said they'd talk to the other and would let me know when we could talk soon. Five days pass as I'm still miserable and I've not heard a thing from either of them. Irritated, I texted the one I'd originally talked to and told her I was glad I wasn't suicidal when I contacted her but I'd already made my decision to keep doing what I was doing. (In my mind, I thought, if God can't even provide someone on earth to talk to, He must not care. Therefore, I don't.) The lady called me soon after I sent the text, explaining that she'd hurt her back and hadn't been at school due to it. Of course, I was understanding. She said, "I wouldn't just forget about you." Well, she did, and the other teacher never ONCE texted to ask how I was even doing! And these people are supposed to be Christians! They claim to be, anyway. I never heard back from her again after she said she wouldn't just forget about me. (And this happened two months ago!) I was fuming. I just couldn't believe that someone could be so selfish as not to give someone who they supposedly "cared for and loved" thirty minutes or so of their time when they were in deep despair. I thought, I guess their time was too precious to waste on me.  

With even that single crappy circumstance, satan whispered, you're worth no one's time. You're so messed up no one can help. Brooke, no one cares about you. Haven't I proven that many times before? Shouldn't this confirm it, finally? You're alone. 

They were not audible voices but they came as thoughts to my mind. I've had so many negative thoughts about myself and fears about what others truly thought about me that I've actually grabbed my head and screamed, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

So over a span of years, the anger has built and built. This wasn't something that up and happened over a year's time, although the hurts of others got worse during the years 2012-2015.  

My boyfriend and I broke up February 14, 2014 (sad, I know), and my plan to cling to God spiraled in the complete opposite direction. I began to drink more and, deep down, I knew it wasn't right but the more I did it, the less I felt the prompting to stop. But I could still see the road I was headed down and I still had enough God-given strength to say, "God, I don't want to go down this road. I don't want to ruin my life. I do not want to become an alcoholic. Please, will You provide a way out for me?" Finally, one day in June of 2014, God answered my plea for help after I drank too much and woke with the worst hangover in my entire life. I had an excruciating migraine, I couldn't walk, talk, hear noises, be touched, or even move without heaving. I threw up so much that I'd begun throwing up globs and globs of bile. God even allowed my Grandma and Grandpa not to leave town as early as they normally do so that my grandmother could come take care of me! I couldn't quit vomiting and heaving so I had to hold in a suppository. (Pretty fun while trying not to puke or move). I stayed sick, my head pounding from roughly 9 am until 5 pm, but not being able to eat until 8 pm. I'd lost three pounds in that one day from throwing up. That was one of the most horrific and miserable times of my life and I promised God I would never do that again. And I haven't. I'm scared of alcohol now. 

Well, wouldn't you know that where I got freed from one thing, satan caught my attention with another? It wasn't but maybe a couple weeks later that I was introduced to marijuana. The first time I tried it, paranoia ate me alive. I thought I was going to die from tachycardia and it felt like people knew what I was doing. I felt like I was trapped in a box, and couldn't tell what was left and right. I hated it and was near hysterical but once I was finally able to calm down, I enjoyed the high. So I did it again and the more I did it, the more I fell in love with it. It took all my pain and troubles away...temporarily. It felt so wonderful to sit there and just not care about problems I had to deal with. Instead, I would laugh as I watched comedies and it was like a release. But the release never lasted and the more I smoked the unhappier I became within. The stronger my anger and resentment grew.

There came a point in October when I knew I needed to stop and get myself back on the right track. Most of me wanted to continue smoking. 

I couldn't go to my family because they didn't know about it and I didn't want them to know about it for certain reasons. So I reached out to my great aunt for prayer. I knew that she'd understand, and I was right. Today, she's just as my great grandmother was, a prayer warrior and so in love with God. The day before I was to go to a Halloween party, I awoke around 4 to 5 am with the strongest, most pronounced feeling to stop smoking. That feeling was so strong that I knew I was being told, "You need to stop with the marijuana." 

I told God that I would after I went to the Halloween party. (Helpful tip: Don't ever give God a stipulation or try and bargain with Him. It won't end well because He's a gentleman and will let us make our own choices.) I texted my great aunt and told her of how I felt and she immediately responded back saying she wasn't surprised I'd texted because she'd been up all night praying for me, that she didn't stop until she felt peace about the situation. The woman wasn't even tired! That's God, folks! 

I ended up going to a party hosted by a psycho who freaked out because no one helped me when I threw up. Even after people apologized to him, he kept on yelling and cussing and wouldn't let it go. I was shaking, I was so scared. I was terrified, thinking he was going to pull a gun at any moment. My experience at that party was hell on earth. Prior throwing up, I had to be dragged to the couch because I couldn't walk due to being so high and it felt like I was coming in and out of anesthesia. Voices seemed distant one second and close the next. I couldn't open my eyes. I prayed and begged God not to let me die, that I'd never do this again. That's about when I threw up everything I had in my stomach and came to full consciousness. Once the host went berserk, the party came to a screeching halt, and people dispersed. I drove myself home still highly intoxicated. I never went to another party again.

I stopped smoking for about three months until I decided to go back to it, vowing never to go to another party. During the period I went without smoking, I picked up a Christian book to read but I did not wholeheartedly seek after God because my heart was not ready to quit with the way I was living, giving it up for good. I knew that if I told God I was ready to stop, I'd have to literally cease doing it period. I felt that if I decided to take the leap of Faith that God would would be my ultimate Comforter, I was taking a big risk. So many people had failed me in my life and made me feel so worthless that I put Him on the back burner, allowing marijuana, my role in pornography, and profanity to take the wheel. The ways of God and what He calls we as Christians to do did not appeal to me at this stage and I'd forgotten Who God really was because the negatives, the evil, and the calming effects marijuana had on me was so great.  

 I went out of town early February 2015 and, when I got back, I stayed high until about two and half weeks ago. The longer I continued to get high, the more distant I felt from God. Not only that, but my anxiety, loneliness, anger and bitterness shot to the brink. I'd spend my sober moments complaining about this and that, secretly hating those who've majorly hurt me and/or made empty promises. I began getting headaches often, sometimes one a day, sometimes one throughout the whole day, Tylenol and Aleve not even touching it. I gained weight, too, over what my highest pound ever was. I stressed more, hated myself and couldn't understand what I'd done to so many people for them to do what they'd done to me.

From mid February to mid March is when I got involved with a man still in the proceedings of a divorce. You can read all about it on my post, There's Always Hope.  

Around early March I decided I wanted to plan a trip to visit family. At first I'd hoped for April but ended up pushing it May 20th-27th. From January to early April-ish I'd had so many things I had to shell out money for and it really began taking a toll on my nerves. I fretted over the loss of money, wondering how on earth I was going to have enough to travel. So in early April I started participating in something that I knew was wrong via internet to make a few extra bucks to sock away for the trip coming up. I could feel this wasn't right but I pushed that feeling away, believing it would be worth it once it came time for the trip. The more my mind became focused on making more money the unhappier and angrier I became when it wasn't adding up as fast as I thought it would. I felt stuck in so many ways. 

On Monday, April 20, 2015, I finally reached my breaking point that drew me to my knees in more than one sense. I couldn't take anymore of the anger, the hatred, and bitterness that had grown so strong that I felt I no longer had control. I made a list of all the things that I felt kept me in this state of anger, unhappiness, and hurt. Reviewing that list made the anger burn even hotter and, that day, any little thing was setting me off. My sister and I ended up getting into a massive fight. And, at this point, I no longer wanted to live. I never knew that so much negative could happen in the span of, not even a year! I felt like if I died no one would even care. I knew that if I no longer existed, the world would continue on anyway. I got in my car and, in a fury, I screamed at God. I said I hated God and asked what kind of a God would send His One and Only Son to be beaten and tortured to carry our sins if He couldn't even answer my pleas over a span of 20 plus years to take my pain and hurt and anger away. I'd been to the altar countless times, longing for these things to be taken. 

(But here's the thing I didn't realize...God doesn't take anything from you that you hold tight to. If you want to keep it, He's not going to rip it out of your hands. I didn't fully realize that I had to give it to Him and not take it back!) 

I cursed at God and I cried and cried until I sat numb, literally not thinking of one single thing. Once I calmed down, I knew that what I'd done was so wrong. I didn't truly hate God but I was so angry that I said I did. I wanted Him to speak to me in some way, shape or form. I didn't care how--writing on a wall, audible, within my heart, someone coming up and speaking a specific message to me, anything. I just wanted to know God still loved me and cared about me when I felt no one else did. I wanted a response. And praise GOD He didn't respond with a lightening bolt! 

He spoke in Love that very night to me. I ate dinner with my parents and they gave me encouragement even though they couldn't understand what I was going through. I texted my pastor, reaching out for help. I met with he and his wife and they spoke God's Truth into me, not only giving me the feel-good-stuff, but the step-on-the-toes-stuff as well. We talked for a good couple hours or so and they prayed for me. I left that house feeling on cloud 9 and I couldn't even explain why but I knew it was God. I called back a friend who'd tried calling when I couldn't answer and they asked if I wanted to come smoke. For the first time in so long, I felt The Holy Spirit. I felt Him prompting me not to and I didn't even have much of a desire to smoke, either. I turned it down and I didn't smoke, and haven't since the 19th of April. I clung to this long, forgotten feeling of God being near. I prayed for God to help me stay strong and that He would give me the strength to turn down further temptations. And He has! 

That night after speaking with the Pastor and his wife, I went to my grandmother's house and visited with her, poured over old family albums to reminisce on good times. I left feeling happy, still! When I got home, I picked up a book by Autumn Miles called Appointed. It was the book I'd started reading during that three month period of no smoking then put the book down once I started back with marijuana, until that very night. The WHOLE rest of the book was so specific to what I'd been struggling with that it left me speechless. My name might as well have been put before each chapter. Throughout those chapters, God assured me that He loved me and would never leave me or forsake me. He let me know He knows how it feels to be rejected and hated. He knows how it feels to be hurt by close friends/family. (Remember Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus and he was one of the 12!) Jesus knows how it feels to be hurt but that we must forgive. He let me know that He wants me to trust His plan and that if I seek Him, He will give me the desires of my heart even if things don't occur on my timeline. He hooked me and reeled me in, and I came to Him, a blubbering mess. I waved my white flag, unable to fight it anymore, and I raised my arms to my heavenly Daddy for the first time in a LONNNNNG time. 

For two and a half days I felt God near to me and I felt so good. My loneliness subsided, my anger cooled, and my longing to do what I'd been doing vanished! Thursday, my sister and I ended up getting into another fight, both of us saying things we regretted and it hurt me so bad. I felt that same distraught feeling I did before I talked to the pastor and his wife. Knowing I couldn't turn back to what I'd been doing, I pleaded for God to help me. And He did. I prayed that He would soften my heart to forgive easier. He answered my prayer. I apologized to my sister and everything went back to being good between us. During that week I purposely turned my mind from the negatives and thought of the positives, meditating on Jesus. My attitude felt so much lighter along with my heart. I began to pray more. Friday morning was when I apologized to my sister and we reconciled. 

However, just a couple hours later, I got verbally attacked by a co-worker after I walked in on him/her speaking about me to the boss in a negative light, insinuating I was stupid. I was shocked. I took up for myself and, in doing so, I was criticized, saying I wasn't being respectful. That threatened to ruin my day and for a couple or so hours it did. I felt the anger soar through the roof at this person, appalled they thought they were in the right. After another confronting with another boss on the matter, I was attacked again by the same person, this time by flat out lies, so, in order to compensate I shot back truths that this person, I guess, thought no one else knew about. They ended up storming out of the room and that was the end of that. I was fuming. But I still prayed that God would give me back the peace I'd had for the past two plus days.

I called my mom not too long after the blow up had happened. And as I was talking, my cell phone began vibrating with an incoming call. I didn't recognize the number but I decided to answer it because it showed it was a number from the same city I live in. When I answered, they asked to speak to Brooke and I told them they were speaking with her. Their reply: "Hi, Brooke. This is (Name) with Cafe Marizon. We're reviewing your application that you filled out a year ago and was wondering if you'd be interested in coming to talk with us about a position that's opened up?" 

I sat there for a second in a state of shock as I immediately recognized my need for extra cash was being met. The whole week I'd been researching different ways to make money that I knew wouldn't be displeasing to The Lord and I'd come up with sweet nothing. Finally, I'd given up and decided that I'd leave it in God's Hands. On Wednesday, Cafe Marizon came into my mind and I didn't know why because it was random. I didn't really think too much about it. Then two days later, they called asking if I was interested in a part time job! 

That is the awesomeness of God Almighty!

I don't believe for one second that this was a coincidence, that they, out of all the times within the span of a year, chose now to consider my application and call me! And right after I'd chosen to give Jesus all of me, forsaking the things the world offered me for the past year or so.

This past week I got highly involved with church, going to a women's event on Tuesday evening, helping with nursery Wednesday evening, and Saturday going to a church event where we ate hamburgers and played games, then going to church Sunday morning and evening. For the first time in years, I felt ecstatic about going to church! I went to Mardel and bought a Bible, The Message version (written in easy to understand lingo). I also joined the Sunday school class, where the Pastor is teaching on Prophecy (things that have come true already and things that will come true in the future that's written in The Bible). I've thoroughly enjoyed getting myself caught up with the weeks I'd missed in the study book. 

Last night I went to bed around 11:30 and woke about 2 1/2 hours later and could not, for the life of me, fall back asleep. I think I laid there for about two hours tossing and turning, trying to find the right position to fall back asleep but I never found it until, I thought maybe there was a reason I was supposed to be awake. So I got up, turned the lamp on and opened my Bible, leafing through some pages until I stopped on verses that dealt with the same things--loving your enemies and forgiving those who hurt you. I read Matthew 5:38-48.

Yup, this was why I was still awake. I felt God wanting me to apologize to the co-worker whom I'd had the blow out with on Friday. I thought, "God?You want me to apologize for something I didn't even cause? Did you expect me to stand there and take it without saying anything?" I must have read 43-48 first because I remember my heart skipping a beat when I finally saw verses 38-42, 

" Here’s another old saying that deserves a second look: ‘Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.’ Is that going to get us anywhere? Here’s what I propose: ‘Don’t hit back at all.’ If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. If someone drags you into court and sues for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously."

I had to stop whining after that. It's still hard for me to accept maltreatment from anyone. Although I told myself if Jesus could forgive those who beat Him beyond recognition, tortured Him, spat on Him and mocked Him, and hung Him on a cross, then I can forgive anyone and everyone who offends me. So I prayed God would soften my heart to forgive and apologize. 

I did what I was asked to do and I know I don't need an apology back or the person's forgiveness because I know all that matters is that I obeyed God. 

God has been opening up doors for me and has drawn near to me ever since I've cried out to Him. He'll do the same for you, whether you're a believer, backslider, or non-believer. If you ask Him to speak to you and you really mean it, He will answer. 

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares The Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.'" 

God cannot lie, sweet friend. It's not possible for Him and it's not in His nature. If He answered me after I'd purposely held my arms out in resistance for so long, He'll answer you. Just talk to Him like you would a friend who's sitting right next to you. You'll never regret it. 

The time is now to come to Him. Don't put it off any longer. He wants you just as you are, broken and a mess. He will clean you up and will set you back on the right track if you just take that one step of faith and say, "Yes, God. Please help me." 

If you are an unbeliever and you want to know Jesus personally, may I encourage you to pray this prayer? "Dear Lord Jesus, I'm so sorry for all the times I've failed you. I'm a sinner and I need You to wash away my sins. Will you please come into my heart and save me? I believe that You died on the cross for my sins and rose again three days later. I choose to put You as Lord and Savior of my life. I love You. Thank you for saving me. Amen." 

I want to encourage you guys to go see/rent the movie, Do You Believe? I reviewed God's Not Dead last year and Do You Believe nearly trumps God's Not Dead, in my opinion. 

Also, listen to these two songs about God's unconditional love and forgiveness for you!: 

https://youtu.be/uc6-roDSpBo?list=PLjNlf-zWs6i9DSksx4RSL5xUicQQjsv9Z 

https://youtu.be/EFZkK0wnAHY?list=PLjNlf-zWs6i9DSksx4RSL5xUicQQjsv9Z   

Bottom line: God can pull you through your circumstance IF you reach to Him. He won't make you, but you must be willing. He's there, He's always there. 

               

There's Always Hope

Hello guys! Since I've last posted, I've turned 24! And that means Spring is here. <3 

This post comes from something heavy on my heart. I do hope that this brings hope to many. 

For the past year I've been struggling with who I am and what I'm here for. Over the past year I was introduced to things I never thought I would fall into. Throughout my middle and high school years I never struggled with peer pressure and, thank God above, I was an outcast because it shielded me from some terrible things. I was also much closer to God then than I am now, but God has been wooing me to Himself. 

Once my boyfriend and I broke up in February 2014, I started backsliding in my walk with God. By June 2014 I fell into the devil's backyard and even though I knew to take God's Hand to be pulled out, I chose to stay and play. In June 2014, I was well on my way to becoming an alcoholic. I prayed for God to provide a way out even though my flesh didn't want it. He did. I no longer drink. In August 2014, someone I was really close to decided to stop talking to me. This person was going through a rough time but I could not understand why they'd chosen to stop associating with me when all I'd done was be a good friend to them. I'm a person who loves deeply so when I get hurt, I hurt deeply. I was made that way. I know not everyone is but I still couldn't wrap my mind around why they'd ignore me. This person seemed to enjoy playing games with my emotions throughout the "friendship", saying we'd do this and that, then never keeping to their word. They would often come up with the same excuses to not get together whenever I would ask to go to lunch, etc. then would turn around and say they "loved" me yet did not prove to me the truth in it. I couldn't see the phileo love in not returning some texts I'd sent after not hearing from them in weeks, empty promises made, etc. Angry and bitter at what they'd done, I completely deleted them from my facebook, wiped their number from my phone, and pushed them out of my mind because I would rather have zero friends then fake ones who say they care but their actions show otherwise. I'm a loyal person and if I care about someone, I bend over backwards to please them, be there for them, and love them. If they needed someone to talk to, I'd always be there. 
Sometimes those who have the same type of personality as I do, will get walked on and taken advantage of because they don't know when to say no. Finally, I'd had enough so I decided to drop them from my life and if they ever wanted to be back in it, they'd have to be the one to contact me. 

Six months go by without hearing a word from this person and the longer it got the more I cared less about myself. The more whispered thoughts of lies were spoke to me: No one cares about you. If they did, they'd be texting you or doing things with you. You're all alone, Brooke. You can't go to your family because they don't understand and you have no friends because they don't care. Look at what they've done to you. Hate them. Despise them. Let your bitterness spread like wildfire, child. 

So I let bitterness eat me alive again. I felt so alone. I moved out December 13, 2014, the day after I graduated college. This made the loneliness worse because I wasn't around family everyday anymore. I'd taken a three month reprieve from living in sin because different circumstances forced me to. I wasn't willing to give it up on my own yet. During the break, other heartbreaking things took place that made my heart feel shattered. I felt like I had nowhere to turn and, although I knew God was the answer, I pushed my arms out in resistance. I wanted to FEEL God, touch Him, hug Him. I wanted Him tangibly. I craved to literally feel LOVED. 
When I could no longer take the lonely feeling and the emptiness, another door opened and I saw into the devil's backyard again. So I ventured in and he reminded me what I'd been missing for three months. Figuratively speaking, he placed it in my hands and encouraged me to go ahead, it would take away the pain. And it did, temporarily. It just wouldn't permanently fill the chasm I housed. 
Then one pretty day in early February, I decided I would get my life back on track and get closer to God. I would give up the things I'd been doing I knew weren't right. The day after I made this decision, satan dangled a new carrot in my face and my heart leapt at the chance to feel whole. I longed for someone to care, someone to do things with. I felt so low and disheartened. I didn't feel like I had any worth and, in my mind, the absence of friends in my life proved it. 
The "new carrot" was a married man in the midst of a divorce. I'd already known him and we'd lost contact for a while. He called me out of the blue to hang out the day after I'd decided to get myself back on the right path! Some may say it's not wrong to get involved with someone going through a divorce, that they're pretty much single, but it couldn't be further from the truth. If the divorce isn't finalized, they are STILL married. I knew this. I wasn't looking for a romantic relationship with this person, just a friend to do things with. 
I knew that accepting an invitation to hang out was a bad idea because of how vulnerable I was and how much I longed for just someone, anyone, to show they gave a crap. One day of hanging out turned into a month and a half of spending every day after work with him. 
This guy somehow knew how to get to me emotionally and kiss all my inner wounds with some words I'd never been told before: "You're worthy. You're worthy of love. You're amazing. You're beautiful. You're a gem, multifaceted. You're lovely. I love you. You're incredible. I think of you all the time. I miss you when you're not here." 
I was like a bug to a bright light before the deadly shock. For a while I felt whole. I felt special. Wanted. Needed. Validated. 
And I nearly gave myself away after keeping myself pure for 24 years. But God gave me the strength to resist. It amazes me that He loves me so much that even though I've shut Him out, pushed Him away, and tried filling the chasm only meant for God alone, He still gave me strength to say no. 
He heard me crying from the inside and He came to my rescue. 
God still kept wooing me. He sent many things my way that told me I needed to turn around. I kept dismissing them until one afternoon in early March when my grandmother called and said for the past two weeks or so she'd had a terrible feeling that something wasn't right with me. 

I didn't feel like I could tell her anything at all, at least at that time, so I told her I was fine. This was the second to the last thing that broke the straw on the camel's back, so to speak. She'd told me no one had told her anything, so that meant God gave her the feeling to call me--something my great-grandmother did many times when she was still living. I realized that I would not be left alone until I decided to turn around and run to God. He wanted me back. My mind and my soul would not rest until I did. 
The next day, I was distraught and felt torn. I knew what I needed to do, but did I really want to? Did I really want to leave a person who made me feel like I hung the moon? Did I really want to leave someone who treated me like a queen? The odd thing is...I'd only been hanging with him for a little over a month yet it felt like many months, that's how much he knew how to feed me emotionally. I took a little break at work, got in my car and, for the first time in I don't know how long, I poured my heart out to God. I didn't just pray a little, "God, please direct me on the right path" prayer but I cried and I talked to Him as if He was sitting in the passenger seat next to me. I prayed that He would give me peace on what I needed to do. I prayed that He would heal my heart and mend all my wounds and scars. I prayed that He would give me the strength, I didn't have, to get out of this situation. That I couldn't do this on my own and I needed Him to reach down and pull me from the pit I'd fallen into. 
And He did just that. I prayed for peace, I stopped crying, and the spring-time air hit my face and all I could think about were all the fun times I'd had in high school on the tennis team. Spring-time in school meant tennis was back in session and that meant we would be practicing for district and state, competing in many tournaments until then. 
For the first time in a long time, my heart genuinely smiled and I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders once I decided to leave behind what satan had offered me. 
Fast forward to today, I'm still struggling but I'm stronger and I no longer have the desire to be with this man. I still struggle with loneliness, but God has provided me with people I'd lost touch with to do things with! I swallowed my pride to a friend who'd hurt me really bad and I asked if she'd like to hang out. I chose to forgive her because if I didn't, I'd be hurting myself. I reached out to another person I knew was a good influence and we just had lunch today! The lady I had lunch with was my math teacher in high school and she tutored me then and when I had a college math class. We'd just gradually lost contact due to busy lives and when she said happy birthday to me, it gave me the courage to reach out. Satan had me so scared of getting hurt again that I'd become a recluse, not wanting to get close to anyone else. 
But I realized that I'm always going to get hurt. People aren't perfect. People are people. I'm not perfect, not by a long shot, so why should I expect everyone else to be? I also came to accept that it's okay for me to acknowledge all the times I'd gotten hurt by people's careless actions. It's okay to say that yes, it hurt. Yes, I was angry. I was bitter. That they were wrong. But it's not okay to stay there. It only keeps me sick emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Sometimes physically! I've realized I'm poisoning myself when I hold onto all that junk. 

When I came to this realization after my wonderful aunt talked to me about this, it also helped give me courage to recontact some people I hadn't talked to in a while. I know I've hurt people, unintentionally, and I'd hope they would extend mercy and grace to me as Jesus Christ did when He died for me. 
I've known since the beginning of March that I was to sing on March 29th, 2015. I knew the song I would sing because it perfectly fit the situation I was in. The battles I was facing. I chose Hope In Front of Me by Danny Gokey. 
Yesterday morning, I got up to get ready for church and I felt fine. I got to church early to practice my song a couple times and did well. Then I left to grab breakfast before the service started. Before I even took a bite of my food I got hit with an overwhelming urge to vomit. I was barely able to eat and keep it down. The nausea kept growing worse and worse the closer it came for me to sing. I KNEW it was satan trying to deter me from singing and possibly ministering to others through that song. I fought it. Even after I flushed my breakfast bye-bye, I fought. I prayed for God to take my nausea away. He even sent several people in the church to come pray for me! I couldn't sit still. If I did, the nausea felt worse. I felt overheated and had to keep fanning myself. This was different from nerves. At this point I wasn't nervous. I was SICK. 

I took something to help with the nausea and even that didn't touch it. There were so many times I nearly went to tell the sound board I couldn't sing because I was sick. But I kept on, knowing that when I took those steps on the stage, the nausea would vanish because I was convinced it was spiritual warfare. 
And what do you think happened when I got up there? Yup! The nausea left and I sang. My sister even went up there with me and read something I'd written because I didn't want to start crying. I could feel God's presence with me while I sang. I smiled and I wasn't nervous. I remember all the words. 
God is SO good. 

Am I still temped? Oh, yes. Every day. Have I messed up since then? Yes, but God knows my heart. He knows I'm trying and that I want to leave behind the things that have kept me bound. I no longer have the desire to be with the man that nearly cost me my virginity. God opened my eyes to what I was about to do. He opened my eyes to the validity of walking away and to the dire consequences that would come if I chose to stay with this man who was over twice my age. I've always had excellent discernment and been very wise for my age. It's two gifts the Holy Spirit has gifted me with. And even in the midst of this rough period, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I saw the red flags, I knew to stop but I chose not to until I came to a breaking point and, thank GOD, that breaking point wasn't "after I'd gotten pregnant or injured physically". 

Up until now, I'd not believed in "once saved, always saved." Until I went through this storm, I didn't realize that if a person is truly saved, they will not tell God they want nothing more to do with Him. Their heart will not mean it. 
Even when I was going through these struggles, I never once told God I wanted nothing more to do with Him. I never told Him to leave me alone. I still loved God but I wasn't making Him first in my life. I truly believed that if I kept messing with what I was messing with, He'd let me go and leave me like others in my life have. But He didn't. He was there. He was always there trying to bring me back. 

I believe that if someone is a true believer and they backslide, they stray, God WILL bring them back to Him. 

Isaiah 53:6 says, "All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all To fall on Him." This means that all of us at some point has strayed but because we, as believers, have been washed in Jesus' blood, our sins are paid for because they were nailed to the cross. All of our sins were put on Jesus Christ when He was crucified. 

John 10: 9-18 says, I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved.They will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father.”

This is exactly what happened! I went through the gate and became one of Jesus' sheep. Then the enemy came in to try and destroy my life but I heard The Shepherd's Voice. I recognized Him and He guided me back to Him. He never left me. He protected me. Jesus Christ laid down His life on His own accord. He loved us all so much that He died for us so we have a way of escape from satan's claws, from eternal death. 

This, my friends, is the power of God. If you truly love Jesus Christ and He resides in your heart, He will not let you go. You may drift, you may fall, and you may backslide and stray, but He will always bring you back. If you know Him and love Him, you will be conflicted at what you've been doing. You will feel the invisible war raging all around you. You will struggle and God will keep sending people or messages your way to open your eyes. 

Am I saying to just go wild, doing what you want because God will protect you and not leave you? NO! That's putting God to the test and The Scripture tells us not to do that. 

What I'm saying is when you're confused and you lose your way, God will be there. And He will come to your rescue.

You are not alone. No matter how much it seems like it.   

There's Hope in front of you. Why don't you reach out and take it, Beloved? 

   
Sorry the image is blurry but it's the message of the song that counts!
   

Moving Forward!!!

Alright, ladies and gents, I'm excited to announce I'm on Chapter 37 of my second novel! I'm moving along in a steady pace and am looking forward to finishing this manuscript!!

Please pray that once I'm done I'll land an agent! 

This manuscript that's in the making will be under the genre of horror. It's got graphic scenes and one love scene. The love scene isn't Fifty Shades of Gray style because I wanted to execute it as modestly as possible while still capturing a beautiful love-making scene. 

So, if you like good versus evil, overcoming demons (in both the literal and metaphorical sense), then this coming novel is for you! If you enjoy books with sub plots and twists, this one has them. Intense scenes, chilling dialogue mixed with comedic relief all exists in this novel to come! 

I look forward to sharing this one to my audience! 

Many blessings to you all!

~Brooke-Lauren Montgomery